You can't special order awesome
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
