i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
