My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
