I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
