I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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