I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
