I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
