it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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