Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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