My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
