On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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