The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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