YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
