So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
