i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
