Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
