The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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