Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
