i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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