I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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