life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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