you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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