i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
