Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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