the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
