i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
