We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
