Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
