There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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