im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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