It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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