Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
