The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
