FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
