my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
