If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
