I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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