Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
