"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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