just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
