Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
