Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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