My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
