Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
