maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
