I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
