Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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