apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
