I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
