Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
